Well, we are on day 6 of social distancing where we can’t be with anyone other than those with whom we live. What a CRITICAL test of a relationship! Kids are being home schooled and parents are now having to acknowledge just what kind of little shits they have raised… Hopefully, they will now understand just how difficult a job the teachers have and make changes! When the kids go back to school, the teachers SHOULD have FAR better pupils… but then again, the teachers have ZERO ability to enforce correct behavior. So unless the parents.. OMG… rabbit hole. Back to today’s topic.
I have been living with my Knight Graham for a tad over 3 months now. It is almost exactly as anticipated. There is NEVER 100% awesomeness because of how the mind works. There are some little things that are both endearing and irritating have cropped up to which I have either decided to work around or I said something and we have come up with solutions. In all of this the World has gone to complete SHITE in just 2 months. Australia, the ENTIRE continent, was burned to a crisp and Koalas are now functionally extinct… sort of https://www.nationalgeographic.co.uk/animals/2019/11/no-koalas-arent-functionally-extinct-yet. The Confounder in Chief decided to tweet the USA into an almost WWIII with Iran, and China decided it was a GREAT idea to allow foreigners to LEAVE a country with a fast spreading, novel virus, newly mutated, and previously unknown form of Corona Virus! Thus it spread across the Globe and we saw the first Pandemic since AIDS (which wasn’t given that title because it… well that is another rabbit hole) and the Spanish Flu of 1918. https://www.thehistorypress.co.uk/articles/the-spanish-flu-pandemic-of-1918/
My life here in Scotland has been idyllic… to say the least. I had some trouble at first because of all the past things needing to be processed.. grief, anger, sorrow.. the usual stuff as well as getting REALLY sick 3 times… until I took heed of the Universe and took myself to bed for 3 days and then rested for another 3 weeks. In that time I identified several “triggers” that made me reactive (from Kevin’s emotional abuse of 28+ years). As each one popped up, I would react badly… and immediately regret it. At first I didn’t feel Ok telling Graham why I was upset because it wasn’t his fault.. and he so badly wanted me to be happy…. One night we were watching a 1970’s series called Survivors set in the UK during a pandemic outbreak where most of the folks in the world were killed (yep.. Graham has an UNCANNY knack for knowing what will happen… Maybe because he was a police officer for over 30 years!). I wasn’t keen on the series, but I was OK until one episode where a man killed a woman and then let a mentally challenged young man be charged with the murder.. and without anything but circumstantial evidence, they convicted the young man and executed him. As soon as the kid had been shot, the perpetrator confessed but the head cheeses wouldn’t tell anyone because they needed the guy for labor.. so OMG.. I was FURIOUS. I was so upset I almost SCREAMED. I was LIVING PTSD. I had, previously, told Graham I didn’t really like the series as the world was FULL of nasty folks and I don’t like watching that shit on TV. This night I told him that if they killed the kid I would no longer watch. I would be happy to put the series on for Graham, but I would go read a book or something. Yep… it happened. Graham insisted that the world was like this and it was just a show…. and I had no need to get so upset… there was more to it, but to be honest.. I don’t remember anymore because we dealt with it and moved on… but it made Graham relive his past and his PTSD emerged… he came to bed later crying his eyes out because he couldn’t bear to see me cross… All I needed was a night of sleep to process everything… but DAMN.. I felt like shit. https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0072572/
The next hurdle was me getting frustrated multiple days in a row with the printer and computers. Graham and I REALLY needed to get some stuff done and it wasn’t cooperating. Here, I need to insert some Kevin info. Kevin is a hardware engineer by degree and a software GURU because that is what he is good at and what all his employers utilized him for. He is REALLY good at it… Ya know when your dating someone… they sometimes seem like they are trying to impress you and you kinda doubt all they say? Well, not so with Kevin. He is FUCKING BRILLIANT (one of the reasons I really fell for him… because I am FUCKING BRILLIANT too) and time after time, when I was in a room with him, he diagnosed a computer issue over the phone (I am not talking the usual, easy peasy IT stuff…) and got whomever it was off and working again.
The epitome was when IBM East Coast (he was working for them at the time, but in Austin, TX) called and said they needed Kevin. No one else would do (I think it had to do with the project.. but also with his skills). They wanted him to go to Maine (I think) and fix everything because they had a deadline and EVERYTHING was broken.. you know the type of hysterical OMG that happens? Yep. We were at home and Kevin got on the phone with them. I heard him state over and over… “You have a bad cable.” They WOULD NOT take that as the answer… so they FLEW HIS ASS out to Maine from Austin, TX. Yeppers… when he got there, he called me after the day of work.. and it WAS a cable… but because Kevin was SO FREAKING INCREDIBLE.. they KEPT HIM! For the next 6 months, I saw Kevin about 3-6 days a month. when he was ALLOWED to come home and pay bills, etc. Because of this and several other episodes of equally spectacular “saves,” Kevin got a reputation that we found out about when Kevin was sent to Wisconsin for a trade show. A young man came to the recruiting booth for IBM and asked to see Kevin Cousineau. Evidently, the young man knew someone who knew Kevin or word got around .. like playing telephone… and Kevin was summoned to help this guy. Kevin asked how the kid knew of him and the guy answered, ” I was told that you are the GURU GOD of broken machines and I wanted to meet you!” So, LOL… from then on he was known as the Guru God of Broken Machines… and it stuck with him throughout his career (I made him a t-shirt in 2017… )
I had it made with the Greek Alphabet (another story) on one side 
And in English on the back
Why was all that necessary you ask? Well, because Kevin was the know all be all of computers (Oh, BTW.. he couldn’t do IT stuff for SHITE) … he made sure to make me feel like the biggest IDIOT in the world when I couldn’t figure things out on my own computer. He would belittle and berate me, get nasty and tell me I was stupid… you get the picture. And now, back to the story… when Graham came up behind me and offered something to try.. I ABSOLUTELY LOST IT ON HIM… and he was really taken aback and said, ” I was only trying to help.” I felt like such an ass. I got to a point where I had to just leave it for a bit.. and I went to do other things… as I was doing stuff in the bedroom.. I lost it and started crying. I don’t want to be that person anymore and Graham was just trying to help… it was a suggestion and not an attack on me. So I was putting things away I think, and I was morose… and sniffling.. and I stood in front of Graham and I sure I looked like a dejected child who was told they couldn’t play with a favorite toy… Graham was super beside himself and asked me what on Earth was bothering me and the story came out about the trigger. I made sure he knew he wasn’t the reason I had abdominal behavior and that I was really sorry I bit his head off. One of the hardest and best things I have EVER done.
Then came the electronics in the kitchen… Graham has always charged his pipe batteries and phone in there.. but he also almost NEVER cooked for himself (though he can cook and is a good cook…). I cook ALL the time..and one day I came in and there was also a reading light (for our music stand) plugged in and I had ZERO room to start a meal… I unplugged it all and was setting it off to the side when Graham walked in and asked what was going on.. By this time, I was able to tell him when and what I am upset about… So, I said it REALLY bothers me to have all this stuff in the kitchen… I had been trying to “live with it,” because he has ALWAYS done this…. but the kitchen is my sanctuary and I CREATE in there. A few things DRIVE ME NUTS: Not rinsing the soap off or using the dishrag to “dry” the dishes (it’s a UK thing), Using the dishrag to clean the floor or other equally GROSS things. Putting dirty stuff on the CLEAN side of the sink (I found cooked, leftover potatoes on the dish drying area …. WITH all the drying dishes… ARGH… ), and using knives on hard surfaces (well, Graham also uses the kitchen to “fix” things and I have found GLUE all over it), and clutter that is NOT of a kitchen nature.. hence my issue with charging the electronics. In my defense, I had JUST, the day before, set up a charging area for ALL the electronics but he didn’t want to use it… So, after a few days, I noticed he had moved the pipe charger to the wall near the bedroom door but out in the hallway… where it was VERY trip-able. He was at work the next day, so I found some weathered lumber and started to MAKE him a charging stations RIGHT there…. perfectly great place.. but NOT on the floor as a tripping hazard… LOL… EPIC FAIL because the wood is SUPER dense and I couldn’t get the screws in with a screwdriver.. and NO ELECTRIC drill either. He came home to my “project” and asked… I said it was supposed to be a surprise and what it was… he was tickled.. and said he DOES have a drill, but it was in the car having been in the tool box we were using as a prop (before COVID 19 shut everything down)!
Back to the actual reason for this post… I have been realizing and mitigating triggers as I find them MUCH better since the initial crabby stuff… but on day 6 of building the polytunnel.. I COMPLETELY LOST MY SHIT at the end of the day. Building things and fixing things with Kevin was SUPREMELY unpleasant to say the least. He belittled me, made me feel STUPID, put me down, BELLOWED at me, and almost every single time I was in TEARS if not at the end.. periodically throughout the project! I got to the point I would NEVER ask him to assist me and then I would be in tears because I needed help for some things… just another set of hands.. but I couldn’t ask for help because it was like asking the Devil himself to assist (when I did HAVE to, he would evil smile, sometimes laugh, THINK he knew what was needed and then proceed to tell me how BADLY I engineered something, try to take it all over, sometimes starting over.. and OFTEN, after getting more than half way through.. realize I WAS FUCKING RIGHT and KNEW what I was doing… and we would have to redo the whole thing again… The trigger for me is when he would say something like, “NO, we will just get it done.” Which happened when I was LONG past needing to call it quits.
The morning went by very well.. until we discovered I had misread the instructions and left off a piece on each door. No biggy.. we were just going to add the extra piece.. when we discovered Graham had put one on upside down… ARGH.. but we decided to leave it in place because the hardware holding it on was a BITCH. THEN, I discovered that the spike wouldn’t reach the ground… (when Graham was measuring for the hardware, I did see it looked a bit long for the mark.. asked, but he said it was 9cm… and because I no longer have to control everything … thanks to Graham.. I thought, well, he double checked, so it must be right)… and realized the measurements were WAY off… The kicker.. it wasn’t at 9 inches either.. so I am now FRUSTRATED, MIFFED, and decide to say.. everyone makes mistakes and this one is EASILY rectified.. if inconvenient and a pain! Graham, on the other hand… started to lose it. He was REALLY frustrated and started muttering and cussin’ a bit.. not bad and NOTHING like what Kevin did… but it was time to quit after we fixed the boo boos.. and instead, I agreed to carry on. We were both in a state by the time we finished fixing the issues.. and went for a cuppa when I realized… my fix was NOT even and the spike would NOT go through… ARGH. So Graham had gone up & I decided to fix it.. and then I checked his which was FAR more perfect, but needed a little fix.. and then I went up.
We fitted the back door.. realizing that we had it opening INSIDE.. and we had PURPOSEFULLY wanted it to open outwards.. ARGH but not a deal breaker.. and after we thought about it.. we now don’t have to worry the wind will yank the door out of our hands… It wasn’t easy and Graham had a great deal of difficulty holding the door level so I could drill it into place. We could have swapped.. but after 4 days of building stuff with him, it was painfully obvious that power tools are not his strength! LOL Then we couldn’t get the screws in.. and so I had Graham try to hand tighten them.. he is VERY strong and it is something he does well.. but even he couldn’t get them tighter.. We opted for a LOT of duck tape to cover potential areas that might rip the plastic cover. Then we started on the second door.. and Graham was EXHAUSTED by this time and COULD NOT hold the door level. I tried to shim it to help.. and it was working until I had to put up the ladder… which necessitated moving ALL the rocks we had placed DAYS before (some are around 60 lbs). Some other little thing happened and it ended up that no one was holding the door in place and it fell. I said.. “That’s it! We’re DONE.” To which Graham replied, “Oh come on honey, let’s just get it finished.” and I was TRIGGERED…. but not gone yet… we needed to move more rocks… and Graham ended up moving one and another fell on the back of my ankles.. TWICE… then I TRULY LOST IT. SCREAMED “THAT’S IT!!!!! WE ARE DONE. GO AWAY, Just go upstairs and start the kettle. I’ll clean it all up.” I REALLY needed to be ALONE before I was completely inappropriate. I KNEW I had been triggered but was powerless to stop my reaction.
Graham, bless his soul, helped clean up.. which actually, while a nice gesture… was completely aggravating because I JUST NEEDED TO BE ALONE. He started up to start the kettle when I noticed a small issue with the spike… so I just stayed down to fix it and then went up. I was STILL in such a state I just NEEDED to be alone… It wasn’t anything Graham did… I NEEDED TO BE ALONE. Graham was to be at a meeting at 5pm.. and was going to go to the CoOp for some supplies (IF they had them). I told him I would walk down… his usual selfless nature kicked in and INSISTED he could do the 2 things.. and I was obliged to tell him I needed to go away and be ALONE for a bit so I didn’t bite his head off. This necessitated me telling him about the trigger and why I was having trouble maintaining my composure.. I assured him it wasn’t his fault, but it WAS my reaction… and I just wanted to work it out. Plus, I LIKE to go shopping for groceries… and it was a treat given that we are only allowed one person to shop now and Graham is paying for everything at the moment (another trigger I am REALLY trying to .. not ignore.. but DEAL with). He was, understandably, upset.. and looked like a kid who just got in trouble for stealing a cookie… We both left at the same time. I got my 1 mile walk in AND the groceries (good thing I went too.. they had Strongbow Dark Berry Cider and I NEEDED some) AND got home before Graham.. so I decided to do one more thing FOR ME.. and planted a rose that I found in a pot in the back garden… into the rose area in the front garden! I was just putting all away when Graham got home and saw all the things I had dumped on the stairs in front of the door.. he was concerned and called out (he couldn’t see me as I was around the corner). I saw he had purchased some flowers before he saw me and put them behind his back… He offered them to me for “being such an arse.” One could NOT have asked for anything better… (Kevin NEVER offered an apology and NEVER said he was sorry.. except the one time.. which is another blog I have already written).
It took all of 15 minutes to erect this door the day after we lost it 
A good night’s sleep eluded me. I got 7 hours… but it was all dreams that were weird and my knees ACHED (the bed isn’t big enough and I am REALLY struggling) to the point of keeping me up quite a bit. The next morning we needed to put the remaining door up and all the bottom rails and some of the battens. I was tired and cranky and really had to MAKE myself be pleasant. To top it off, we had ZERO eggs and made do with porridge (oatmeal for the Americans), fruit (strawberries, blackberries, and pineapple), ad a slice of bacon…while delicious… it was a reminder of what we CANNOT do right now. I KNEW I was cranky and told Graham as we started… but DAMN. I was short with him a LOT. He was quite good natured about it though and it really helped keep me from blowing up. We ended up spending 6 hours on the damn thing AGAIN. I think it was a bit of exhaustion, the instructions were vague, and we were just DONE building this thing. We called it quits before we were done in.. and fortunately, Graham had cooked the dinner earlier.. so all we had to do was heat it up (oh, we BOTH had some for a snack earlier) and eat. We wanted to watch something uplifting but finding FREE movies is next to impossible nowadays… and we ended up watching #5 of Bodyline (a cricket movie/documentary) and I went to bed after. Another NOT so good sleep despite having taken Unisome… and we got up to do it all again.
I was in a better mood to start, but Graham wasn’t doing well and I didn’t realize it until WAY past me getting seriously irritated. I barked at him a lot today… yes, today, 3/20/2020 and he was concerned he was unable to get a handle on what we were doing today. Once I realized.. I made accommodation to allow for frustrations as they came up…. and the rest went as smoothly as it could.. with both of us checking with the other frequently to smile, kiss, and generally uplift each other.. and to cuss at the polytunnel… we were BEYOND done… We stopped twice for a respite.. and the last one REQUIRED a dram for each of us. All that was left was to tighten and batten the last side (the front). Well, there are 2 more steps, but as a team, we decided that the last 2 things can be done even in a raging storm and we would NOT do it today! To top all that… our second stop was a rather longish one.. because we had to call down to the place we do our Open Mic (now cancelled until all this COVID 19 shit is over) and order our dinner.. THANK GOODNESS for delivery services of food. We ordered a special of the day.. a burger with bacon, fries, and some chicken wings. We went back to finish the work on the tunnel and it went quite well actually. We cleaned up as we went, took down the washing and brought all of it in… then realized we got it done by 1630! Time for showers and relaxation…. OMG did we need it! We sounded like an entire old folks home groaning and moaning and bitching about how we had muscles we didn’t know we owned … hurting and our inability to move with any speed.. and, and, and.. LOL You get the picture. We had 45 minutes before dinner would arrive and we were STARVING… so I started to finish this blog post… and dinner arrived!We DOVE in and devoured it in about 10 minutes flat. Both full to the brim. No dishes to do either! Now we are both on the couch… I am finishing this an Graham was dozing (not on purpose) until I finish. It is now 1920 and Dougie will be having another mini concert at 2000.. so we will probably do some out loud reading until then.. watch the last of the cricket series and go to bed. Well, actually drop dead into a place that holds our bodies until we, miraculously, wake up in the next day… and the FUCKING polytunnel is essentially done. All that is left is to trim the excess plastic, loosen the inside bolts so we can stomp on the rails to tighten the whole thing, tighten them backup… and DONE! Well… then I need to build the dry wall back up PROPERLY to ensure the thing is solidly in the ground… and build the stairs at the back. All EXTRA but necessary.. and can be done AT OUR LEISURE… all this would have been a LOT easier if we could have taken a day off in between. We are EXHAUSTED… but it is a good exhaustion…
Put the batten on both doors 
We couldn’t figure out how to make the edge smooth by the instructions… duck tape is WONDERFUL 
And.. it’s UP!!! 
First you batten one side, then you pull on the second side (NOT easy) 
Once both sides are battened (now I KNOW what batten down the hatches means! 
Then you batten the back and front 
This was the harder side.. so I made us do it first 
It isn’t good.. it is passable. 
And.. IT’S DONE!!! 
Well, we still need to cut of the excess 
And build the drywall 
And backfill all the dirt between the wall and tunnel 
AND build planters for inside
TTFN folks.. we are knackered and want to listen to Dougie in 20 minutes. Time to sit with some alternative analgesic (alcohol) and the hot water bottle… and try to stay awake long enough to go to bed and wake at a little after dawn.. which is at 0600 now…. THANK YOU time change. Why can’t they LEAVE it on this time??? Enjoy your evening folks…
operation Freedom 